The Greatest Resume of All Time

On January 31, 2020, an application email appeared in my inbox -- a response to a craigslist ad I had posted a week earlier. It was a man I’d never met, but my god, he wanted the job.

The beginning of his message (above) came out swinging, and I was instantly hooked. I read on.

Bold in both font and disposition -- the man was interviewing himself! The repeating of “for you” struck me as an attempt at some kind of subliminal message about this man’s loyalty to his employers. It also struck me as odd, and even vaguely sexual.

 But wait, there’s more.

The underlined “I’m sure you are too” after “I am honest.” may have backfired on this guy. I think he wanted to express a desire for a trust-based employer-employee relationship, but despite that intention, I had never felt so accused of dishonesty in my life. 

I couldn’t help but admire the self-esteem of a man who advertises himself as being in “incredible shape” to the point that his physique alone will increase my company's brand recognition.

“I am smarter than the person you are considering” is an instant classic. The doubts I felt from the accusation of honesty had been erased. I realized there was something to this guy.

The list continues:

His burning desire for the job was already well-established, but dammit if he doesn’t make things absolutely clear. He tosses in his smile as another element of the brand-recognition magnetism radiating around him.

Also, this guy hasn’t even gotten an interview yet, but is already offering rides to his coworkers! At this point I started to feel like maybe this guy was two steps ahead of me somehow, and that by the bottom of the email, he would be hiring me. 

Also, as further testament to his being in incredible shape; his 8-pack abs, 6 of which are solid. While it was certainly unusual to mention one’s abs on an application, having 8-pack abs is impressive enough that I could look right past the unprofessionalism. Also, he had demonstrated his honesty once more by conceding that 2 of his abs weren’t as ‘solid’ as the other 6. 

Oh, and there’s more.

I don’t know what job this guy has in mind that involves both 8-pack abs and speed-reading. I also found it jarring to read the second of the above bullets -- a totally conventional and appropriate resume line nestled within the madness.

Knowing how to get strangers to pay (the same day) is another backfire. I think he’s trying to brag about his negotiation skills, but it comes off more like ‘I’ll break their f***ing kneecaps’.

The next line was my favorite:

Holy sh*t! 22.5% or more, every month!

Wisely, he never actually promises to increase sales at that rate, only to discuss ideas with me about doing so. Can’t throw that one back at him later.

And it still isn’t over.

Finally, he brings it home with a bang.

That was his closer. Tony Robbins has written “at least 7 books,’ according to Google, so this guy has ostensibly read at least 4 of them.

The list in its entirety:

Just as a reminder, all of those bullet points were answers to these two questions:

And damn if he didn’t nail them.

Having established his USPs, he moves on to another topic of interest:

In an unexpected turn, he departs from listing highly specific attributes in clinical detail, and instead delivers his personality summary as a vaguely-worded, poetically metered quotation, which I suppose can only be attributed to himself. Only one word came to my mind, and that word was dynamic.

Of course, no resume would be complete without...

Providing his height and weight seemed like simple oversharing, but the rest of the measurements meant, I’m pretty sure, that he was asking me to buy him a tailored suit for work? The sheer effort, forward-consideration, and chutzpah that this application contained had me oscillating between finding the resume patently ridiculous in one moment, then undeniably impressive in the next. I no longer laugh at the ‘go the extra mile’ line -- that one rings dead true.

The next section was his location, which I won’t show. I will say that it included a promise that he would drive from that location to any destination in the area, showing up no less than 30 minutes early.

After that, I finally found out what this man had been putting his seemingly endless skillset towards in the meantime.

I’d have asked “freelance what?” but the answer was surely pages long.

He then closed the body of his email with his availability:

The quotations around “relief” instantly made me re-read the entire email. Was this all an ad for prostitution encrypted in a garish fake job application? That would frankly make much more sense than the email being authentic. But I just don’t think so. If anything, he is simply floating the idea of a paid hookup as being one of several options, since there seems to be no industry this man does not seek to dominate.

A photo of his signature was embedded below his typed name. He then listed his contact information and social media pages. I didn’t want the ride to be over. 

It wasn’t.

Once again visualizing the future, he appeals to my sentimentality. Subtly, he implies that him getting the job is already a foregone conclusion. I felt like he was right, and that I basically had no choice but to meet and hire him. 

In yet another innovative move, he continues the email despite having just used a P.S. It felt like a band returning to the stage for an encore.

 He includes three testimonials from former employers. I won’t include them in their entirety, as they are riddled with identifying information. Also, they were all suspiciously similar to his own writing style. One line stands out:

If there was a power move to be made, he made it twice. Promoting himself. Two times. I started to fear him. If I hired this man, surely he would have my job and the jobs of my friends and family members within weeks. He was an economic vortex.

At last, the email was over. (Well, the text was over. He had also attached a headshot that I wish very badly I could show here, but I cannot. I will leave it to your imagination)

But here’s the kicker: I wasn’t offering a job in the first place. Not at all. I wrote back and explained:

Less than 3 minutes later, he replies. 

This man sent me 800 words applying for a nonexistent job, and I was on the edge of my seat for every single one of them. I tell him it was all for naught, and he tells me he loves that response. I was sad to see a man of such enthusiasm struggling to find work, but also felt assurance; as this man was clearly unbreakable -- mentally and physically. There is no doubt in my mind that he will find success, likely by bullying his way into a senior management position with nothing but the meaty fist of his personality.

I find myself missing this man more and more every day that I spend reading other emails from people applying to the study. They follow the rules, they use proper grammar, and they actually know what they are applying to. How can I find any enjoyment in such dull souls after having my entire worldview blown to pieces by the audacity of one local stranger? This man burst into my life, kicking open the door like a SWAT team. He shined brighter and more chaotically than 10 supernovae, and when he left, took all color with him, leaving me in grayscale. My eyes were moist and my ego was shattered...

...and that is why this is The Greatest Resume of All Time.